Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Emma watsom transforms
http://24.media.tumblr.com/8d044dcfcc872afd211ee96fe68cdece/tumblr_n3r7pe0mO51s2yegdo1_400.gif
Sunday, September 8, 2013
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That is Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible!" said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That is Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible!" said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Scary Statistic
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
Twenty-five percent.. That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated!
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
Twenty-five percent.. That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
My butt is sealed shut.
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Thursday, January 31, 2013
London Pub
I was in a London pub the other night. I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?".
One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!" .
So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?".
..that's all I remember!!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
What is the name of the blonde actress from the Canadian show Just For Laughs Gags
What is the name of the blonde actress from the Canadian show Just For Laughs Gags: "Marie Pierre Bouchard"
Here are some screencaps of Marie-Pierre Bouchard.
She sure is gorgeous. Love her smile when she's pranking.
Here are some screencaps of Marie-Pierre Bouchard.
She sure is gorgeous. Love her smile when she's pranking.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Medical Joke
I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I'm just kidney with you.
You really gotta learn to liver it up.
Boy, these jokes are getting bladder.
I guess you've got to develop a stomach for them.
You really gotta learn to liver it up.
Boy, these jokes are getting bladder.
I guess you've got to develop a stomach for them.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Free Living Expenses
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman behind the counter explains that she and her sister own the store, and there are no males employed there. She asks if there is something she can help the gentleman with.
The man says that it is something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assures him that she is completely professional and whatever it is that he needs to discuss, he can be confident that she will treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agrees and begins by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist says, "Just a minute. I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returns, she says, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses."
The woman behind the counter explains that she and her sister own the store, and there are no males employed there. She asks if there is something she can help the gentleman with.
The man says that it is something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assures him that she is completely professional and whatever it is that he needs to discuss, he can be confident that she will treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agrees and begins by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist says, "Just a minute. I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returns, she says, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses."
65 Year Old Ass
A 65 year old women is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her for a while and then says, "You look ridiculous! What on Earth do you think you are doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old!"
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year old ass?"
She instantly replies, "Your name never came up!"
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her for a while and then says, "You look ridiculous! What on Earth do you think you are doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old!"
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year old ass?"
She instantly replies, "Your name never came up!"
Non-Blonde Joke
Q: What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a dollar fifty-nine and deer nuts are under a buck!
A: Beer nuts are a dollar fifty-nine and deer nuts are under a buck!
Common Blonde Joke
A man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He find his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know five things..."
"One: The bartender is a blonde woman."
"Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman."
"Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer."
"Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler."
"Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!"
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know five things..."
"One: The bartender is a blonde woman."
"Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman."
"Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer."
"Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler."
"Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!"
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
The Simple Truth
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!What a man hears...
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
A Woman's Appearance
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid... but few are blind.
A: Because most men are stupid... but few are blind.
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